Sometimes I think I'm scared
Sometimes I know
I feel like making love
Sometimes I don't
I feel like letting go
Maybe not
I feel like giving up
Is all we got

Sometimes is all the time
And never means maybe
Sometimes is all the time
Maybe

And I'm moving on
And I'm moving on (Sometimes I feel alone)
And I'm moving on
And I'm moving on

Sometimes I make believe
When we're alone
Machines have taken hold
Can you get me to a telephone
It's just the little things
You used to see
Am I still that man who makes you who you want to be

I never noticed
How lovely were the aliens
Lovely were the aliens
I never noticed
How lovely were the aliens
Lovely were the aliens

And I'm moving on...
And I'm moving on...
And I'm moving on, on, on....
And I'm moving on

The scene seems altogether too horribly familiar.

Dazed, slightly confused and with a bit of a headache, the light streaming through the gap in the curtains forces me to wake.

Except that it's not a hangover this time, but I still feel like shit.

The one song I can tolerate at a time like this is on loop, like it was two and a half years past.

That night... the first time I saw you with him. The first time I really let myself see it. I had no idea what to do. Every defence I'd piled up around myself just crumbled. The anger was still there, but it was mixed now with anguish, pain, desperation. Hopelessness.

Later that night, I got as much liquid courage as I could get, as fast as I could get it, hoping that it could help me forget. It helped. I won't lie - it helped. But it's not the type of crutch that I have any respect for, or hopefully will ever have need of again - I think I'm stronger than that.

But for that period of time when the pain was near its worst, it did its part.

When I woke up the next morning I could hardly raise an eyebrow without my head hurting... All I could listen to was this song, which for the most part makes no sense, but it seemed to feel like I felt... Wistful.. regretful... And it also sounded like how I desperately wanted to feel... at peace.

The last time it happened, at least I had my friends... as good a bunch as I could have asked for I guess. We sat around the table staring starkly at each other, slowly and painfully eating breakfast.

This time, I have no one.

But I guess I don't need any one.

What you need to know is, to mirror your words - I love you. I've loved you from the very start.

But I think the difference this time may be - I know when I've been given walking orders. Respecting your wishes is actually something that occurs to me this time around, no matter how painful.

I guess all these past months have just been spent clinging to something that merely could have been - bitter is the reminder of what was not or as you say, ever will be.

Just tell me that you never loved me... not for one second, and never will.

And mean it.

And I'll be gone, I promise. All the walls will go back up. Brick by sodden brick, as long as it takes me.

Just remember, mon chere, as I walk into the night - like Lestat there is no guarantee that this isn't just another lie I've decided to tell myself... and you, for I love you oh so much, more than anything out of a book or out of a novel or a painting or a song.

Until such time as it seems fitting.

Goodbye, ma cherie.

Have a nice life.

You know, I've been thinking about the first time I saw you. I think the first time I really saw you was when you cut your hair really short that time when we were in Form 2.

You took my breath away. You still do.

And that was how it started... My long slippery slope...

I remember how we used to spend hours on the phone, talking about... uh... crap. Haha. Every afternoon, just to hear your voice. You know, at least I liked you for your mind as well, haha :P. Fun times for me and explaining to my parents why the phone bill was so high... :S

More than anything it occurs to me just how much time we've spent over the past god knows how many years, just talking to each other. And at the annual Mun Yee party I'd try really hard just to get in a few minutes with you before you got carried away with more important matters. I always wanted to tell you what I was thinking at times like those, times when you looked so beautiful I thought my heart might burst. But you know, I just never had the guts.

Oh, and I think I once went to a Sports Day because of you... Maaan, I hate Sports Day, what a fucking waste of time... Haha. Okay, so I'm an idiot, sue me.. I never was particularly good at this :P And all I really wanted was to be near you. And also, "Mum, I'm going to Sports Day" is definitely much easier than "Mum, I want to go see this girl that I like"... :D

It's at times like these, looking back, that I wish someone had told me about the dangers of the feared Friend Zone... which I was more and more rapidly getting stuck in though, however hard I tried.

Oh yeah, you remember after we'd all gone to different classes in Form 4 we all used to meet up at the bottom of the Block F (I think it was called F anyways) stairway after school? I miss that. You always had to wait to get picked up... one day I'll explain to my poor mother why I was always late getting to the car even though she was always there on time... :D

It's these silly little things that I guess I can now look back on, laugh a little, and hold close to my heart.

You were the great love of my life... you still are. You are the one that I'll tell people the story of how we met, and how not to act around the girl you like when you're a bumbling teenager in high school... hopefully while you smile knowingly, and put a beautiful little hand into the hand of that idiot you might just be able to love.

You and I... whatever happens, it'll be the stuff of legend.

Oh yeah.

Look at your emails.

I started after dinner, around 6? It's like 1 now. So it's been an amusing evening, I even played bass on this one :) Sounds fuller, I should go back and add bass to the old ones... Eventually.

Hope you like it.

You know, sometimes even I feel a little hesitant about writing new stuff. It's hard to always have to better myself, and keep the grand audience of one hooked... Luckily, I'm a damned good writer :P

Hah, nothing says "me" like a good dose of modesty. :D

I've missed hearing from you. At times I daresay I even felt like putting the back of my dainty wrist to my forehead and sighing in despair, much like the proverbial lady in the period dramas... Haha.

No, I didn't. But I probably would if you paid me. Hehe.

But I did, in truth, miss you as much as always. I hope the same goes for you, but then again I never really know, do I?

So what are you doing with yourself these days? You at home? How long's the holiday?

Oh yes, and what's this about going to Seremban? I swear I've heard little to nothing about this... you are going to be around at least a little when I get back, yes?

You better, or that wrist is going to that forehead... Oh mah lordy... I do believe ah'm goin' to faint... :D :D

Damnit, my holiday is just about over. Back to the pain... And results, gulp.



I'm glad you're back. :)

The show is over - close the storybook
there will be no encore
and all the random hands that i have shook
well, they're reaching for the door
i watch the backs as they leave single-file
you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

most were being good for goodness sake
but you wouldn't pantomine
you are more beautiful when you awake
than most are in a lifetime
through the haze that is my memory
you stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be grey
I know this loser's living fortunate
cause I know you will love me either way

Where are you?

There are only four questions of value in life -
what is sacred
of what is the spirit made
what is worth living for
and what is worth dying for.

The answer to each is the same - only love.

It is your love that I dream of day and night. Yours that I feel every time we are reunited in my mind's eye. The image of your being stays with me like that of a summer's day, your beauty not confined to mere shape or form, but shining from within like a star, irradiating my every thought, keeping hope and love alive where there should be none.

Your every breathe shall be my sustenance, and your every word shall be my gospel.

Think of me as I think of you, and I pray that you will be in my arms again, and forever more.

Checked your email yet? I sent you the sexiest song... :P Hey, who says I don't listen to soft music? I love that song. It's just beautiful. I hope you like it. It makes me think of you. But then again, what doesn't?

Anyway... sorry for not sounding like myself? Haha. Apparently, anyway. Well I thought something like I miss you and I love you would be too transparent and possibly mildly stalker-ish.. :P And the song, always the song. You'll know when you hear it, if you haven't already.

Out of sight, out of mind? So that's how we're playing it, eh :P Well I really hope that's not what's happening with you at the moment :( Me? Been there, done that, doesn't work. As we've discovered :D And no, don't be wishing grey hairs on me just yet, thank you very much :P I like my hair just fine...

Ahhh... I'm free! For a day or two anyway. I've spent 14 hours a day at uni for the past few days... Jesus Christ... I've hardly ever spent more than 5 hours at uni straight before!! Aren't you amazed/impressed/shocked/fainted? Haha.

Finals are coming :(

Take care love.