Sometimes I think I'm scared
Sometimes I know
I feel like making love
Sometimes I don't
I feel like letting go
Maybe not
I feel like giving up
Is all we got

Sometimes is all the time
And never means maybe
Sometimes is all the time
Maybe

And I'm moving on
And I'm moving on (Sometimes I feel alone)
And I'm moving on
And I'm moving on

Sometimes I make believe
When we're alone
Machines have taken hold
Can you get me to a telephone
It's just the little things
You used to see
Am I still that man who makes you who you want to be

I never noticed
How lovely were the aliens
Lovely were the aliens
I never noticed
How lovely were the aliens
Lovely were the aliens

And I'm moving on...
And I'm moving on...
And I'm moving on, on, on....
And I'm moving on

The scene seems altogether too horribly familiar.

Dazed, slightly confused and with a bit of a headache, the light streaming through the gap in the curtains forces me to wake.

Except that it's not a hangover this time, but I still feel like shit.

The one song I can tolerate at a time like this is on loop, like it was two and a half years past.

That night... the first time I saw you with him. The first time I really let myself see it. I had no idea what to do. Every defence I'd piled up around myself just crumbled. The anger was still there, but it was mixed now with anguish, pain, desperation. Hopelessness.

Later that night, I got as much liquid courage as I could get, as fast as I could get it, hoping that it could help me forget. It helped. I won't lie - it helped. But it's not the type of crutch that I have any respect for, or hopefully will ever have need of again - I think I'm stronger than that.

But for that period of time when the pain was near its worst, it did its part.

When I woke up the next morning I could hardly raise an eyebrow without my head hurting... All I could listen to was this song, which for the most part makes no sense, but it seemed to feel like I felt... Wistful.. regretful... And it also sounded like how I desperately wanted to feel... at peace.

The last time it happened, at least I had my friends... as good a bunch as I could have asked for I guess. We sat around the table staring starkly at each other, slowly and painfully eating breakfast.

This time, I have no one.

But I guess I don't need any one.

What you need to know is, to mirror your words - I love you. I've loved you from the very start.

But I think the difference this time may be - I know when I've been given walking orders. Respecting your wishes is actually something that occurs to me this time around, no matter how painful.

I guess all these past months have just been spent clinging to something that merely could have been - bitter is the reminder of what was not or as you say, ever will be.

Just tell me that you never loved me... not for one second, and never will.

And mean it.

And I'll be gone, I promise. All the walls will go back up. Brick by sodden brick, as long as it takes me.

Just remember, mon chere, as I walk into the night - like Lestat there is no guarantee that this isn't just another lie I've decided to tell myself... and you, for I love you oh so much, more than anything out of a book or out of a novel or a painting or a song.

Until such time as it seems fitting.

Goodbye, ma cherie.

Have a nice life.

You know, I've been thinking about the first time I saw you. I think the first time I really saw you was when you cut your hair really short that time when we were in Form 2.

You took my breath away. You still do.

And that was how it started... My long slippery slope...

I remember how we used to spend hours on the phone, talking about... uh... crap. Haha. Every afternoon, just to hear your voice. You know, at least I liked you for your mind as well, haha :P. Fun times for me and explaining to my parents why the phone bill was so high... :S

More than anything it occurs to me just how much time we've spent over the past god knows how many years, just talking to each other. And at the annual Mun Yee party I'd try really hard just to get in a few minutes with you before you got carried away with more important matters. I always wanted to tell you what I was thinking at times like those, times when you looked so beautiful I thought my heart might burst. But you know, I just never had the guts.

Oh, and I think I once went to a Sports Day because of you... Maaan, I hate Sports Day, what a fucking waste of time... Haha. Okay, so I'm an idiot, sue me.. I never was particularly good at this :P And all I really wanted was to be near you. And also, "Mum, I'm going to Sports Day" is definitely much easier than "Mum, I want to go see this girl that I like"... :D

It's at times like these, looking back, that I wish someone had told me about the dangers of the feared Friend Zone... which I was more and more rapidly getting stuck in though, however hard I tried.

Oh yeah, you remember after we'd all gone to different classes in Form 4 we all used to meet up at the bottom of the Block F (I think it was called F anyways) stairway after school? I miss that. You always had to wait to get picked up... one day I'll explain to my poor mother why I was always late getting to the car even though she was always there on time... :D

It's these silly little things that I guess I can now look back on, laugh a little, and hold close to my heart.

You were the great love of my life... you still are. You are the one that I'll tell people the story of how we met, and how not to act around the girl you like when you're a bumbling teenager in high school... hopefully while you smile knowingly, and put a beautiful little hand into the hand of that idiot you might just be able to love.

You and I... whatever happens, it'll be the stuff of legend.

Oh yeah.

Look at your emails.

I started after dinner, around 6? It's like 1 now. So it's been an amusing evening, I even played bass on this one :) Sounds fuller, I should go back and add bass to the old ones... Eventually.

Hope you like it.

You know, sometimes even I feel a little hesitant about writing new stuff. It's hard to always have to better myself, and keep the grand audience of one hooked... Luckily, I'm a damned good writer :P

Hah, nothing says "me" like a good dose of modesty. :D

I've missed hearing from you. At times I daresay I even felt like putting the back of my dainty wrist to my forehead and sighing in despair, much like the proverbial lady in the period dramas... Haha.

No, I didn't. But I probably would if you paid me. Hehe.

But I did, in truth, miss you as much as always. I hope the same goes for you, but then again I never really know, do I?

So what are you doing with yourself these days? You at home? How long's the holiday?

Oh yes, and what's this about going to Seremban? I swear I've heard little to nothing about this... you are going to be around at least a little when I get back, yes?

You better, or that wrist is going to that forehead... Oh mah lordy... I do believe ah'm goin' to faint... :D :D

Damnit, my holiday is just about over. Back to the pain... And results, gulp.



I'm glad you're back. :)

The show is over - close the storybook
there will be no encore
and all the random hands that i have shook
well, they're reaching for the door
i watch the backs as they leave single-file
you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

most were being good for goodness sake
but you wouldn't pantomine
you are more beautiful when you awake
than most are in a lifetime
through the haze that is my memory
you stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be grey
I know this loser's living fortunate
cause I know you will love me either way

Where are you?

There are only four questions of value in life -
what is sacred
of what is the spirit made
what is worth living for
and what is worth dying for.

The answer to each is the same - only love.

It is your love that I dream of day and night. Yours that I feel every time we are reunited in my mind's eye. The image of your being stays with me like that of a summer's day, your beauty not confined to mere shape or form, but shining from within like a star, irradiating my every thought, keeping hope and love alive where there should be none.

Your every breathe shall be my sustenance, and your every word shall be my gospel.

Think of me as I think of you, and I pray that you will be in my arms again, and forever more.

Checked your email yet? I sent you the sexiest song... :P Hey, who says I don't listen to soft music? I love that song. It's just beautiful. I hope you like it. It makes me think of you. But then again, what doesn't?

Anyway... sorry for not sounding like myself? Haha. Apparently, anyway. Well I thought something like I miss you and I love you would be too transparent and possibly mildly stalker-ish.. :P And the song, always the song. You'll know when you hear it, if you haven't already.

Out of sight, out of mind? So that's how we're playing it, eh :P Well I really hope that's not what's happening with you at the moment :( Me? Been there, done that, doesn't work. As we've discovered :D And no, don't be wishing grey hairs on me just yet, thank you very much :P I like my hair just fine...

Ahhh... I'm free! For a day or two anyway. I've spent 14 hours a day at uni for the past few days... Jesus Christ... I've hardly ever spent more than 5 hours at uni straight before!! Aren't you amazed/impressed/shocked/fainted? Haha.

Finals are coming :(

Take care love.

Very very busy this week. Not even halfway through my 40% assignment due on Friday, and every annoying little oversight means recalculating everything from scratch... gah. Engineering design is an extremely homosexual subject.

Hopefully I'll talk to you this weekend, if not, just checking in, hope you've had a good week. I miss you like I usually do... Isn't it terribly cliche how the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing is true? Well, maybe not fonder - I'm definitely not growing fonder of this situation :P And I think I am already as fond of you as humanly possible. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm gonna head back to uni, get some work done. Fun for the whole family. Fuck.

:P

Yeah I guess I did know why you did that. I always thought it could be one of two things. You didn't feel the same, or you weren't ready for that kind of thing then. It is much easier to convince myself that it was that second one, can you blame me? I guess it was just that I figured if I waited around long enough, you'd be ready... little did I know that I was right, but it just wasn't me that you were looking for.

And of course these days I don't really know what to think. In some way I feel so much happier now, and yet the way things are, it's so much more cruel and ironic as well. But oh well, you know me, I'm a sucker for contradictions. :P I'm pretty much a walking contradiction myself. :D

I think I'm taking the weekend off. For once I don't have any immediately vital assessments to handle, and plus I got my electronics test mark yesterday and I totally killed it :P Which was quite a pleasant surprise since I hate electronics. Hate it so much. Like I've told everyone (loudly, and repeatedly), if I liked electronics then I'd be an electrical engineer then wouldn't I? Doh. But it was good, and that's good :P

What about you? You have this whole life that's separate from me now, and I realise I don't know that much about it... partially because I didn't want to know, I guess. It hurted to know. It hurted to think about knowing. I guess it still does, sometimes.

But when I think about what you said about the friendship thing... I don't think that can ever change, I'll always want you in my life. I'll always need you in my life. My problem is that it's hard for me to be with you, and not want to... be with you. But I can't... be without you, either.

But please don't ever doubt that I'll stop loving you, whether it's from right up beside you as I watch the sunrise wash over you as the morning sets in and I run my hands gently through your silky smooth hair... or from the other side of the glass, hurting from a distance... It's just that, if I'm going to be forced to be that guy for the rest of my life, whether it's on the outside where people can see it, or just inside in my heart - I'm not going to let go without a fight.

Talk to me, babe. It's all I live for these days.

I dreamed about you again last night. As with most of my dreams I remember hardly any of it. Crossing the line between sleep and waking usually only leaves me with a fast fading daze of colours, feelings, a wash of emotions that I can't shake but can't quite remember the reason for.

It's not a very nice feeling. As the lights turned on in my head this morning I woke up to that emptiness, that sense of irreconciliable loss that I feel every time I remember. It's like a deep, dark depth that I cannot see into to decide whether it was real, or just a dream...

I still don't know, really. I think it was bad though, this time. It's not something that's too great to wake up to. Which is why I'm going to fix that :P

I will, just you wait.

Oh, and you know what I mean. :P We've gone through so many years pretending you don't know what I mean... but, hey - you can't do that any more! :P Finally! Haha.

Well... I'm curious to hear what you think of it. I don't do everything for you, you know.

Some things I do out of musical curiosity and you. :P Haha.

I could go on about how cool I am for making a Spice Girls song so. much. better. but I figure that can be your job. But I actually really like that song now! It can be so much better than a cheesy radio pop song. Plus, did you ever realise how diiirty it really is? :D It's great! Haha. I think there's still another possible version for that song... Maybe the next time I'm "studying" for a test :P

Okay, I gotta go to uni now, gah. Test AGAIN this week. Story of my life. Life is gay. Poetic, I know.

I didn't manage to catch you online last weekend, which was a bit gay too, but oh well. I figure the silly Spice Girls song will spark large amounts of follow up in the form of you making fun of me and various other conversations resulting, so that works for me.

Laters ;)

Yawn... You've got mail.

Did I really grow up? :P I can never decide.

When did you read that story? I don't remember letting you read it. God I must not have been a very subtle kid :p Ahh, if one knew then the things they knew now...

By the way, it's nice not to just be talking to myself again. :)

Right now I'm wondering... do you still listen to your song? Does it still mean the same thing as it did when you first heard it, or do you hear something different now... a bit more bitter, a bit more ironic, just a bit more painful, maybe.

I've done far "harder" stuff in guitar terms, but this is still the piece of music that I'm most proud of. I guess it's just like us - I love it, and yet listening to it rips me to shreds inside at the same time. Those four minutes somehow manage to sum up eight years of ups and downs, highs and lows, hopes and dreams. It's a bit hard to take when that much emotional baggage is packed into a four minute song.

Lately I've felt like nothing I write seems to have any real life left to it. Everything I write is bland, generic. My inspiration has run dry. I don't want to play metal - too angry. I can't play rock - nothing seems to fit, and to even attempt to write you yet another song is far too painful, I cannot venture beyond those walls that I've set for myself, into that place that I draw things such as this from - the endless wellspring of pain, or some might call it inspiration.

It's late at night, and I really don't know what I'm talking about.

All I know is that I miss you.

I miss you.

No matter how much I hate to admit to myself. I told myself I could love someone else. I guess the only person I was really lying to was myself. I don't think I'll be able to keep the lie up forever. I can hide behind this facade for now, but some day I won't be able to, so for now I'll just wait for that day to come. Because I think it's worth waiting for. I always have, and nothing has changed that. You know how determined I am when I want to be.

It's a pity he doesn't apply himself, yes?

Sometimes, I see the comparisons between the two of you in my head. Her eyes are beautiful, but they hold no surprises within their depths. Your eyes... your eyes hypnotize me, deep, dark, every mystery in the universe contained in them. I could truly lose myself in those eyes.

This is what I long for.

You are my mystery, the tide that recedes as I step forward, but dances forward as I turn my back to leave.

I once asked myself whether it was really you that I loved, or was it the idea of you that I'd built up in my head to the point where I couldn't tell the difference. The things that happened with us that night completely erased any doubt in my mind as to that fact. And anyway it doesn't matter. Fact or fiction, it is you that I'm in love with.

You love someone.

You're in love with someone.

An interesting distinction. I do think I love her... but as to whether I'm in love with her is a completely different thing. She means the world to me, and hurting her is not something I would ever do if I could avoid it... but as you once put it, with her I might be content, but not happy. I am not willing to accept that. I'm willing to risk everything not to miss that one opportunity that I saw in that brief glance at happiness.

I've always been interested in pride and honour, and if you think about it, these both come down to the same thing - being willing to sacrifice everything, on a matter of principle. To risk throwing away everything, simply for something you believed in.

You may not believe in us right now, but I believe in us. And when that opportunity comes back to me, I will risk it all not to let another twist of fate screw me over again.

I wish I'd kissed you when I had the chance.

I'm in the sky tonight
There I can keep by your side
Watching the wide world riot, and hiding out
I'll be coming home next year

Into the sun we climb
Climbing our wings will burn white
Everyone strapped in tight, we'll ride it out
I'll be coming home next year

Into the night we shine
Lighting the way we glide by
Catch me if I get too high, when I come down
I'll be coming home next year

I'm in the sky tonight
There I can keep by your side
Watching the whole world wind, around and round
I'll be coming home next year

I realise that organizing my thoughts out here is something I've missed doing. Even if you never read this space again, in my head I can feel like I'm sharing my thoughts, my hopes, my disasters, all of this, with you. And this is what I've always loved doing.

I remember that time that we fought. We didn't speak for a few months. It killed me inside, and I realised that, love it or hate it, I could never live without you. Very few things are able to make someone like me put aside my pride - but you did. I never forgive, and I never forget, but for you, I knew I had to or else I would have nothing.

I guess sometimes karma comes back to kick you in the face. I used to laugh at the guy pining over the girl for 3 years without taking action.

Well, that was before I discovered that I still loved you, and had always loved you - for the better part of about 8 years.

Boy, am I looking stupid now.

Eight years. That's crazy. You read about it in books, but you don't really think that it can be true. That you can really feel something so strong, so vibrant, so vital that keeps itself alive somehow for this long.

I guess this is what happens when you read too many fairy tales...

This must be, the ten billionth thing I've written today? Once you open up those gates, it's pretty damn hard to close them again. Plus, it's remarkably therapeutic. Not quite as good as torturing and exhausting myself physically, but I've always liked to write and I guess this is as good an outlet as any.

You know, back when we were in college, every other story I wrote in ESL was about you. I had about a page to fill, and in that page I'd write anything and everything I could imagine - ridiculously dramatisized, of course - but who's to say our lives are any less dramatic now?

I remember one story I wrote... now that was inspired. It was beautiful, it was heart wrenching and most of all, it was tragic. But at some point it got lost... I'll rewrite that story one day, one before, and one after. I hope the ending will be better.

I think Kelly has read the original story, but I doubt she remembers it. I really should buy her something nice one day. After all, she had to put up with ME every day. I can imagine her now. She would have taken one look at it, understood it, looked at me and smiled wistfully while shaking her head knowingly. That kid is wise waaay beyond her years. And in some ways still only a beautiful child.

Well, she's all grown up now I guess, as is every one. I hope she knows how fond of her I am, and how much I think of her as the little sister I never had. God knows she probably took care of me more than I did for her. Let's face it, I'm a disaster. Haha. I only hope one day I'll be able to be there for her the way she's always been for me.

I wonder how she's doing these days. I just don't hear from her when the school year is on.

I wonder, if I told her everything that has happened these past few months... Would she just look at me, sigh, and smile with that knowing shake of her head? My bet is on yes.

So much for the mature thing, looks like I'm just as much the hung up kid I was yesterday.

I really could have sworn I'd grown up, though.

I guess, as always, I was wrong.

:)

And it continues... I thought it was bad when I was watching Ed, but this girl reminds me so much of you in every way that it's torture to sit through it.

I have, however, sat through about an hour and a half of it tonight.

Strength, beyond strength.

I've always been strong, but I'll really need it tonight.

Let me clarify that last remark slightly. Initially it was just because she reminds me so much of you, and like I said, I'm that bleeding heart you see on TV. But it gets better. I'm watching the first season, and there is so much in the music that comes back to haunt me. Music gets to me better than anything... A song sparks a reminder of a day, an age, a memory. I had one song for Michelle, but for you - every song is your song. These songs span the years that I loved you and bled for you. Every song I hear is part of the soundtrack to my life... And every one of those songs is yours. I hear it as I walk alone in the streets at night with only the moonlight as my guide, I hear it as I close my eyes to sleep and as I wake. I hear it when I hold her in my arms... As I held you.

The soundtrack hurts... But it follows me with every weary step I take. I cannot leave it behind - I don't want to - I cannot deny it.

I am eternally yours, and eternally, that guy.

PS - I hate Smallville.

No word for more than a month now. The worst part about it is that nothing has changed, at least for me. I push it away, but it's always just beneath the surface, and it doesn't take a whole helluva lot to bring it back. Everything I see and everything I do reminds me of you, reminds me of how things could have, would have, should have been. But in the end, it never really got to be anything, did it. I struggle to tell myself that it's not without meaning, that it wasn't just some cosmic fuck up that slipped through the cracks. But at this point, it's hard to believe that, given the circumstances and how things have worked out.

I really want to talk to you... But I don't think I can. I know you'll be fine, you always are :) I guess it's better than the both of us. At some point I guess I'll just have to make an uneasy sort of peace with it by myself.

Bye.

Did you miss me?

I miss you.

Retrospect

I remember, that night we were 17 - it seems like so long ago.

I guess it really has been that long.

I remember your dress - it was pink, and you looked beautiful in it.

The dress never really mattered - you would still look beautiful wrapped in a rug, as far as I was concerned.

I remember that night, when I asked you to dance. You were the first girl I'd ever really danced with.

Your hands were cold, and you were hesitant as I took your hand gingerly and led you to the floor. My heart beat like my own private marching band, parading in my chest.

Somehow, though, I knew - there wouldn't be a fairytale ending to this night.

It didn't matter - after all those years I'd finally convinced myself that I might just have the guts to do it.

I feel an exquisite shiver as I gently place my hands on your hips.

I could never dance. Even in the bittersweet recollection I cannot kid myself that it was a graceful affair.

But never in my life did I care less - I was looking into your beautiful eyes, and that was all that mattered.

And how we danced, we danced the night away... just like we've danced this dance all these years.

At some point, it is over. The spell is broken, and the world exists for me once more. We sit down, and it's only a matter of time - till it's all over.

Later that night, we find ourselves alone.

I stuttered to the glass, I held your hand, you felt immune.

I remember looking at myself, the fool, in the mirrored walls of that hotel ballroom.

I close your hand around the ring, that ring that I'd been dying to give you for months.

I kiss you lightly on the forehead, and I tell you, I'll wait.

I did.

And I guess, I will.

Always.

I'll wait.

No.

You're asking me to forget about you. Again.

It's just not something I'm willing to do.

I can't be that guy who looks back on his mediocre life, and thinks that he could have just let the one thing that stood out in his life, the one thing that made his heart beat a mile a minute, made the stars seem to shine brighter in the night sky, slip through his fingers.

I can't, and I won't.

I don't need to search for the one who completes me... because it's been you, all along. You told me that it's not who completes you, but compliments you the best?

I can't believe that... where is the truth in a world full of half-filled hearts? You don't complete a puzzle by forcing the pieces that look the most similiar together. It needs to fit, like we fit... and it hurts all the more now that it seems as if we will never fit...

You are my Carol Vessey, my Elliot Reid, my Maggie Rice... you are every girl that every guy like me has ever yearned for.

I am the goof who spends four seasons of any given sitcom pining over the girl, and takes three steps backwards for every step forwards.

We are the couple who miss each other daily on the stairwell, as you go up, and I drift further toward ground.

You and I, travolti da un insolito destino nell 'azzurro mare d'agosto...

Turn around, bright eyes...

I didn't hear from you this week. That sucks.

I still miss you so much. I haven't had as much spare time to think about you lately, though. That kinda sucks too.

How are you? Tell me what's on your mind.

I'm not in the mood to write a helluva lot tonight. I'm far too tired, between running around taking care of her, and spending about 8 hours on my design assignment (which is due tomorrow morning, how typical, ha ha).

I find it quite ironic how every little thing still makes me think about you. It doesn't help that every song I hear, every word I read seems to be about you. The first person I think of when I watch anything about long lost loves, or true love, or any sort of love... yup, no prizes for guessing that.

Every place I go, I'll think of you... Every song I sing, I sing for you... When I come home...

Much love, as always.

Hey, and hey back.

You know, some movie couple said something like that the other day. I thought of you.

But then again, I always do, don't I?

:P

Do I have to say the words?

Rescue me from the mire
Whisper words of desire
Rescue me - darling rescue me
With your arms open wide
Want you here by my side
Come to me - darling rescue me
When this worlds closing in
There's no need to pretend
Set me free - darling rescue me

I don't wanna let you go
So I'm standing in your way
I never needed anyone like I need you here today

Do I have to say the words?
Do I have to tell the truth?
Do I have to shout it out?
Do I have to say a prayer?
Must I prove to you how good we are together?
Do I have to say the words...

This is bullshit.

I wrote this about a week ago, late one night before I had the net at home.

We almost broke up tonight.

The worst part is I was almost wishing for it to happen.

I guess I'm a better liar than I give myself credit for.

Time for a little back story.

She hates this place. Stuff happened here, last year, that apparently has tainted the whole place for her. She's extremely homesick, and worried about her sick grandparents. She wants to be closer to home to be near them.

She hates this place.

It's bad enough that I no longer find her imperfections endearing or intriguing. It's worse that I've spent days trying to fix everything for her, but to no avail. No matter what happens in the future, you'll never be able to say I wasn't good to her. I am. It comes with the package, like it or not.

I wish now, more than ever, that things were different, with us.

She hates this place.

She wants to go home, move away, anything to get away from it all.

I can't say I wanted to stop her, because that would be a lie. I guess, not that bad considering how many lies I've told tonight alone.

I only want what's best for you, babe, said the liar. Don't make your decision based on me, I don't want you to stay if it hurts you so badly. If you really need to, then that's what you've got to do.

Does the liar truly know if he's lying to anyone but himself?

I all but pushed her out the door with my kindness and good intention. You lying bastard.

I guess it is a lesson in itself - she loves me more than ever, now, it would seem. Maybe a little TOO supportive, eh?

But in all honesty... it's been a really hard week for me. It seems like everything is just going wrong with her, and despite my best efforst to fix things something else always seems to crop up. That kinda sucks. Are they handing out the boyfriend of the year awards yet, cos I'm this close to not caring any more. I swear I never want to hurt her, but if this goes on, I'm smart enough to know that I can't handle this for hours every night and still keep my life on track.

I guess fate has a funny way of making things happen.

She says she'll take a day to think about it before making a decision.

I think, she'll stay.

But if this keeps coming back, there are no guarantees that I will.

I'm already worried enough, my first engineering design assignment has been given, in the first lecture on the first day, no less, and I'm worried for the first time in my life that I won't have what it takes to make the grade. It is a strange feeling - maybe I AM human after all.

I guess it's alright that I admit to you that, occasionally, on dark nights such as this, I worry about some things. After all, you of all people know the best, and the worst, of me. Anything in between, well, I guess you won't be too surprised.

I don't really know where I'm going with this at the moment.

Babe, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts, and I haven't heard from you. I don't even know if you're even thinking about this anymore, or if you don't look back, I guess the feeling starts to fade away. I'm afraid to contact you, if your life is back to normal again, then I guess I have no right to mess things up for you.

I miss you.

It's still true.

I won't, will you?

How could I forget, when every waking moment it is burnt into my consciousness...

How could I forget, when every time I close my eyes I see you...

How could I forget when every chance I get, I steal a moment to be with the memory of you...

How could I forget, when you are everything I am, and everything I ever will be...

Everything in my life now stands in the shadow of that one beautiful night.

One day, I will find you again.

Lie to me...

I guess you're not looking here any more. I've been waiting, but somewhere along the line I guess I didn't really want to face the truth. I guess, you've gone back to your life. It really was just a dream, then.

I'm not sure what I really expected. Things are never that easy. Plus, when it's already going like a bad romance novel, you don't really expect things to change so easily, do you?

When I'm alone, walking aimlessly, that's the time I allow myself to think about you.

I listen to the songs I gave to you, the songs I wrote about you.

I guess that's all it will ever be. Things I turn over and over in my head when there's no one else around, and I allow myself the memories.

I like to listen to our songs after my workouts. I sit alone on the grass, and I guess, in the heat of the sunny afternoon, the fatigue takes the edge off the loneliness, and the ache takes the edge off the pain...

I guess what I'm saying is - I don't blame you if you've forgotten, and if you're happy. I just wish, I wish I wish I wish, that it could include me.

Guess not.

Forever

and ever

babe.

It's late...

Scene 1

You say you love me

And I hardly know your name

And if I say I love you in the candle light

There's no-one but myself to blame

But there's something inside

That's turning my mind away

Oh how I could love you

If I could let you stay


It's late - and I'm bleeding inside

It's late - is it just my sickly pride

Too late - even now the feeling seems to slip away

So late - though I'm crying I can't help but hear you say

It's late It's late It's late

But not too late



Scene 2

The way you love me

Is the sweetest love around

But after all this time

The more I'm trying

The more I seem to seem I let you down

Now you're tell me you're leaving

And I just can't believe that it's true

Oh you know that I can love you

Though you know I can't be true

Oh you made me love you

Don't tell me that we're through



It's late - and it's driving me so mad

It's late - but don't try to tell me that it's

Too late - save our love you can't turn out the light

So late - I've been wrong but I'll learn to be right

It's late It's late It's late

But not too late


Scene 3

You're staring at me

With suspiction in your eye

You say what game are you playing?

What's this that you're saying?

I know that I can give no reply

If I take you tonight

Is it making my life a lie?

Oh you make me wonder

Did I live my life alright



It's late - but it's time to set me free

It's late - but there's no way it has to be

Too late - so let the fire take our bodies this night

So late - so let the waters take our guilt in the tide

It's late it's late it's late it's late

It's all too late

The dream is over

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you every step of the way. I did.

You said that things would change when I stepped off that plane... They did.

Now I'm with her again. I hold her tight in the darkness, as she clings to me, she's missed me so.

But is it wrong that I think of you when she's in my arms...

Tell me how it is
that you can sleep
in the night
without thinking you lost
everything that was good
in your life
to the toss of a dice...

I still can't stop thinking of you. Every chance I get, I steal a quick glance at the memories we have made in that short time. I cannot allow myself too long, though - I fear that overuse will render those sweet memories dull, and faded. I don't think I could bear to let that happen.

I should never be allowed to have something this beautiful. Knowing me, I'd probably break it, or lose it. Probably both.

You, my love, on the other hand, would probably walk with it straight into a wall. Heh heh.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

I've only just got here, but I'm already counting the days till I can get back to you.

By now you must be wondering... what will happen to her? Surely I haven't forgotten.

I will stay with her as long as I can this year. I know it's probably morally questionable, but I will not be responsible for ruining any more of her life than I can. I say this not out of any sense of ego but rather.. responsibility? God, what happened to me. Haha.

But yeah. I want to see her through the year, if possible. The academic term is just starting, something like this could never be good for her. I guess this counts for as long as I can take the charade. You never know.. if it must be done, I guess it must be done. But I'd much prefer to see her well and happily passing the 3rd year of her degree before I mess with anything. Next year, she only has a paper or two before uni is over. Much less to worry about.

If you're going to start admonishing me about how I actually do love her... well, I do. But its. not. the. same. anymore. I think the most extreme way I could put it at the moment is that I care for her deeply. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her, but ironically if anything does, I will most likely be the cause of it.

Again I am afraid of how things will pan out this year. I fear that I will come home to a starkly different environment from the one I just left. I fear that I may find you, happier than ever before... without me.

But that's beside the point. There's nothing I can do about it now. My brain has clearly stopped working, and we all know what a disaster that has been in the past. Haha. Well I think I'm at least a bit smarter about it this time. Or something.

I'll be back. That bouquet of flowers, that walk through the fields of dandelions... who knows? Perfection may still be within our grasp?

...I should really go now. Today is enrolment day. I'm still not sure what I'm doing here. :P

Forever and ever, babe. Forever and ever.

Trace the moment, fall forever

In the car..

We talk about life, and love, and things that could have been. I tell her that in the end, I'm just afraid that if I think about her too much, things will go back to the way they used to be, bad. My emotions pour out slowly, hesitantly... things that have been locked away so tight are hard to unearth at a moment's notice.

She begins to cry, silently. Her crystal tears fall softly down her cheek, and they sparkle, in the moonlight. She turns her face away. It seems like a silent eternity in choices at that moment, and in an instant I know that I have made mine, as I reach over to her and gently brush away the tears.

We talk.

Everything that went wrong, and everything that could have been so right. The tears begin to come again, and I can see that they are shaped by regret, remorse, and the touch of new feelings dawning deep within, feelings she never even thought possible.

Again, I brush the tears from her cheek. She's beautiful as ever in this moment. I reach for her, bring her close to me, running my hands through her long, sweet smelling hair. I kiss her hair softly as I whisper to her, and the tears begin to stop. I stare deep into those eyes, those eyes that I have loved for so long, while I brush her hair back from over her face, and over her ears.

We talk.

I know it's wrong but she's in my arms oh god I've longed for this moment all my life it would seem and she can feel my heart my heart beating like a runaway train in my chest and she lays a tiny hand on my heart and I feel like everything is right about this moment and if I could stretch it into eternity I would I would do anything to stay like this like this like this...

Her phone rings.

I brace myself for the hard slap back to reality, the one where she starts, frightened at this sign of the real world waiting outside, and hurries off into the night, leaving me dazed and confused pondering this wonderful mistake.

It never comes.

She answers it, and settles comfortably back into my arms. I can feel her, a comfortable weight in my arms. For this time we are lovers, two sleepy people by dawn's early light... but too much in love to say good night. We hold hands like kids, innocent, pure, beautiful, and in this moment I feel a sense of completion that I've never felt before.

There are times when we come close, and the sensation of desperate longing of my lips for her lips is like sheer electricity in the air. With her last shred of restraint she says no, no. If we do, everything is gone.

I wish. With every beat of my heart I wish this could be so.

And yet we both know that eventually it must be over.

The real world is waiting.

I hold her fiercely to me, one last grasp at the happiness I may never have again, desperate, passionate, hopeless. I smell her scent one last time, breath it, taste it, as I whisper for her to go, go or I may never let you go.

Already, the emptiness begins.

Don't be that guy, Bob...

So we went out that night. Picked her up from her house. She looks gorgeous as per usual. Sigh.

Went to some place for a drink or two. Just chatting. Eventually though, she brings up the CD, and asks me... so how does it end?

In typical fashion I refuse to give a straight answer, dance around the question for abit. Tell her to go home and listen to it again and she'll get it. Tralalala I'm pretending to watch football. I hate football.

She says no. Haha. I love her because she's strong.

Okay... compromise. We'll go back to her place, she'll run in, listen to it again, run out and tell me she gets it. Yeah?

Apparently not... we reach her place but she refuses to move till I make some sort of explanation. Pops her seatbelt off, gets comfy in the seat, folds her arms, and waits.

Haha... god she's cute. Uh oh.

What it takes

Oh hoho... I'm back, so you've gotta know that I'm FUCKED.

Even more so than ever before, and I've been screwed up before.

So let's see... a little background. We've been talking more I guess lately, and it's been great. We always seem to miss each other though - she's only around on weekends, and when I'm out, she's in, and when I'm bored at home she's out with her friends.

Anyways... So there was this song I wrote for her, ages ago. I've been rerecording my old stuff, using drum samples and whatnot to make them into real live songs. One day I mentioned this song to her, and she insisted that she wanted to hear it when I was done.

Well, okay then.

Problem: I had forgotten most of the lyrics years ago (she has the only copy of the lyrics... another story for another time), plus they were soppy and gay as hell anyway.

Big deal, I'll just rewrite them!

I did, and I finished the song.

I hit up on the brilliant idea of making her the proverbial "mix-tape". You know, the ones people painstakingly record on cassettes, with all the songs for the person they... wait a minute, I have a girlfriend, right? Well let's forget about that for a moment.

Okay. Mix-tape. More like a Mix-CD, but where's the fun in calling it that?

I made a tape that catalogues the way I felt for her over the years. As you may imagine, the first part is what all lovers dream of while they pine away at their windows... Euphoric, in love, basically all that dancing on sunshine crap. Predictably, the mood takes a dramatic dip towards the middle - hey I spent years being fucked up over this! I'm allowed.

The ending... Well the ending is kinda vague.

Which reminds me! I forgot to tell her that the last song on the CD was her song - and she refused to believe it was me! Damn, I'm good. Haha.

Anyways... This is the last weekend before I'm due to leave again for a year... We were supposed to see each other that morning if possible. But obviously, haha, I rang and she never woke up. Sometimes it's annoying being the only sub-20 person who wakes up before noon...

So later in the day I dropped by her house to give it to her, but she was out anyway. So I popped it in the mailbox.

Later that evening she messages me and says... she wants to meet up at night.

Okay. Go read the next one.

Honey why you callin me ... so late

She told me. Sometimes, she thinks about how it could have been.

I don't know what I'm thinking at the moment. Closure? The skeletons, as we speak, are clawing slowly through the layers and layers of control, and tumbling right the fuck out the proverbial closet.

We talked tonight. Like we haven't talked for a long, long time. Years. I miss her. She says she misses me. Sometimes, she thinks about how it could have been.

For years, the way I told it to myself was, it wasn't meant to be. It would never have worked. It takes two... Sometimes, she thinks about how it could have been.

I am fucked.

It scares me how she still sees right through me, through all the layers of protection I impose between myself, and being "that guy". It's been so long, it's been so long. Self-imposed control, control, control... denial?

Oh come on. Haven't you had enough of that yet? Wasn't it enough back then that you almost fucking screwed up everything?

... I am immensely afraid that the answer to this may be no.

Thus, at this point, we will not be addressing the matter. Haha.

But tonight, we talked... we talked the way we used to, an age and a half ago... the way we fit, we matched, we understood, the way that made me fall in love with her in the first place.

Fuck, I said it, didn't I.

Goddamn L word.

For fuck sake, son, get a grip.

... but the proverbial can of worms has sprung open. That shit is everywhere now, man. Haha.

I wonder now, if she will write about it in her diary, record it with pen and paper, and once again close the book on that chapter of our lives, like we did so long ago. I wonder if the words will smear, if a tear could be shed for the times we had, and the ones we didn't. A single one would be enough, I could never bear to see her cry anyway. It's ironic that I probably made her cry enough, back then.

I feel the urge to show up at her place, right now... take her into my arms, and in the silence, perhaps something I always wished would be said, could finally be said.

Or would it not make a goddamn difference?

God, you're a fuckwit.

Before, she asked me... Are you in love, or are you content?

Are you in love... or are you content.

I know that I love her... but deep down inside, I am afraid that I will discover that I also know, that I still love... her.

Would it change anything? Babe, do you know? Did we ever know, anyway?

Earlier, I told her about the girls that I thought about the most, about the what-ifs, and the maybe-s... I lied. I don't think about her. It is too dangerous. Things like tonight happen. I refuse to allow myself to fuck up my happiness, or hers. She never deserved it, really. Young and stupid, I guess I fucked it up for myself if anything.

I haven't had to use this space for weeks.

Well, now I'm back.

Hu-fuckin-rrah.