The dream is over

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you every step of the way. I did.

You said that things would change when I stepped off that plane... They did.

Now I'm with her again. I hold her tight in the darkness, as she clings to me, she's missed me so.

But is it wrong that I think of you when she's in my arms...

Tell me how it is
that you can sleep
in the night
without thinking you lost
everything that was good
in your life
to the toss of a dice...

I still can't stop thinking of you. Every chance I get, I steal a quick glance at the memories we have made in that short time. I cannot allow myself too long, though - I fear that overuse will render those sweet memories dull, and faded. I don't think I could bear to let that happen.

I should never be allowed to have something this beautiful. Knowing me, I'd probably break it, or lose it. Probably both.

You, my love, on the other hand, would probably walk with it straight into a wall. Heh heh.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

I've only just got here, but I'm already counting the days till I can get back to you.

By now you must be wondering... what will happen to her? Surely I haven't forgotten.

I will stay with her as long as I can this year. I know it's probably morally questionable, but I will not be responsible for ruining any more of her life than I can. I say this not out of any sense of ego but rather.. responsibility? God, what happened to me. Haha.

But yeah. I want to see her through the year, if possible. The academic term is just starting, something like this could never be good for her. I guess this counts for as long as I can take the charade. You never know.. if it must be done, I guess it must be done. But I'd much prefer to see her well and happily passing the 3rd year of her degree before I mess with anything. Next year, she only has a paper or two before uni is over. Much less to worry about.

If you're going to start admonishing me about how I actually do love her... well, I do. But its. not. the. same. anymore. I think the most extreme way I could put it at the moment is that I care for her deeply. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her, but ironically if anything does, I will most likely be the cause of it.

Again I am afraid of how things will pan out this year. I fear that I will come home to a starkly different environment from the one I just left. I fear that I may find you, happier than ever before... without me.

But that's beside the point. There's nothing I can do about it now. My brain has clearly stopped working, and we all know what a disaster that has been in the past. Haha. Well I think I'm at least a bit smarter about it this time. Or something.

I'll be back. That bouquet of flowers, that walk through the fields of dandelions... who knows? Perfection may still be within our grasp?

...I should really go now. Today is enrolment day. I'm still not sure what I'm doing here. :P

Forever and ever, babe. Forever and ever.