This is bullshit.

I wrote this about a week ago, late one night before I had the net at home.

We almost broke up tonight.

The worst part is I was almost wishing for it to happen.

I guess I'm a better liar than I give myself credit for.

Time for a little back story.

She hates this place. Stuff happened here, last year, that apparently has tainted the whole place for her. She's extremely homesick, and worried about her sick grandparents. She wants to be closer to home to be near them.

She hates this place.

It's bad enough that I no longer find her imperfections endearing or intriguing. It's worse that I've spent days trying to fix everything for her, but to no avail. No matter what happens in the future, you'll never be able to say I wasn't good to her. I am. It comes with the package, like it or not.

I wish now, more than ever, that things were different, with us.

She hates this place.

She wants to go home, move away, anything to get away from it all.

I can't say I wanted to stop her, because that would be a lie. I guess, not that bad considering how many lies I've told tonight alone.

I only want what's best for you, babe, said the liar. Don't make your decision based on me, I don't want you to stay if it hurts you so badly. If you really need to, then that's what you've got to do.

Does the liar truly know if he's lying to anyone but himself?

I all but pushed her out the door with my kindness and good intention. You lying bastard.

I guess it is a lesson in itself - she loves me more than ever, now, it would seem. Maybe a little TOO supportive, eh?

But in all honesty... it's been a really hard week for me. It seems like everything is just going wrong with her, and despite my best efforst to fix things something else always seems to crop up. That kinda sucks. Are they handing out the boyfriend of the year awards yet, cos I'm this close to not caring any more. I swear I never want to hurt her, but if this goes on, I'm smart enough to know that I can't handle this for hours every night and still keep my life on track.

I guess fate has a funny way of making things happen.

She says she'll take a day to think about it before making a decision.

I think, she'll stay.

But if this keeps coming back, there are no guarantees that I will.

I'm already worried enough, my first engineering design assignment has been given, in the first lecture on the first day, no less, and I'm worried for the first time in my life that I won't have what it takes to make the grade. It is a strange feeling - maybe I AM human after all.

I guess it's alright that I admit to you that, occasionally, on dark nights such as this, I worry about some things. After all, you of all people know the best, and the worst, of me. Anything in between, well, I guess you won't be too surprised.

I don't really know where I'm going with this at the moment.

Babe, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts, and I haven't heard from you. I don't even know if you're even thinking about this anymore, or if you don't look back, I guess the feeling starts to fade away. I'm afraid to contact you, if your life is back to normal again, then I guess I have no right to mess things up for you.

I miss you.

It's still true.