Right now I'm wondering... do you still listen to your song? Does it still mean the same thing as it did when you first heard it, or do you hear something different now... a bit more bitter, a bit more ironic, just a bit more painful, maybe.

I've done far "harder" stuff in guitar terms, but this is still the piece of music that I'm most proud of. I guess it's just like us - I love it, and yet listening to it rips me to shreds inside at the same time. Those four minutes somehow manage to sum up eight years of ups and downs, highs and lows, hopes and dreams. It's a bit hard to take when that much emotional baggage is packed into a four minute song.

Lately I've felt like nothing I write seems to have any real life left to it. Everything I write is bland, generic. My inspiration has run dry. I don't want to play metal - too angry. I can't play rock - nothing seems to fit, and to even attempt to write you yet another song is far too painful, I cannot venture beyond those walls that I've set for myself, into that place that I draw things such as this from - the endless wellspring of pain, or some might call it inspiration.

It's late at night, and I really don't know what I'm talking about.

All I know is that I miss you.

I miss you.

No matter how much I hate to admit to myself. I told myself I could love someone else. I guess the only person I was really lying to was myself. I don't think I'll be able to keep the lie up forever. I can hide behind this facade for now, but some day I won't be able to, so for now I'll just wait for that day to come. Because I think it's worth waiting for. I always have, and nothing has changed that. You know how determined I am when I want to be.

It's a pity he doesn't apply himself, yes?

Sometimes, I see the comparisons between the two of you in my head. Her eyes are beautiful, but they hold no surprises within their depths. Your eyes... your eyes hypnotize me, deep, dark, every mystery in the universe contained in them. I could truly lose myself in those eyes.

This is what I long for.

You are my mystery, the tide that recedes as I step forward, but dances forward as I turn my back to leave.

I once asked myself whether it was really you that I loved, or was it the idea of you that I'd built up in my head to the point where I couldn't tell the difference. The things that happened with us that night completely erased any doubt in my mind as to that fact. And anyway it doesn't matter. Fact or fiction, it is you that I'm in love with.

You love someone.

You're in love with someone.

An interesting distinction. I do think I love her... but as to whether I'm in love with her is a completely different thing. She means the world to me, and hurting her is not something I would ever do if I could avoid it... but as you once put it, with her I might be content, but not happy. I am not willing to accept that. I'm willing to risk everything not to miss that one opportunity that I saw in that brief glance at happiness.

I've always been interested in pride and honour, and if you think about it, these both come down to the same thing - being willing to sacrifice everything, on a matter of principle. To risk throwing away everything, simply for something you believed in.

You may not believe in us right now, but I believe in us. And when that opportunity comes back to me, I will risk it all not to let another twist of fate screw me over again.

I wish I'd kissed you when I had the chance.

I'm in the sky tonight
There I can keep by your side
Watching the wide world riot, and hiding out
I'll be coming home next year

Into the sun we climb
Climbing our wings will burn white
Everyone strapped in tight, we'll ride it out
I'll be coming home next year

Into the night we shine
Lighting the way we glide by
Catch me if I get too high, when I come down
I'll be coming home next year

I'm in the sky tonight
There I can keep by your side
Watching the whole world wind, around and round
I'll be coming home next year

I realise that organizing my thoughts out here is something I've missed doing. Even if you never read this space again, in my head I can feel like I'm sharing my thoughts, my hopes, my disasters, all of this, with you. And this is what I've always loved doing.

I remember that time that we fought. We didn't speak for a few months. It killed me inside, and I realised that, love it or hate it, I could never live without you. Very few things are able to make someone like me put aside my pride - but you did. I never forgive, and I never forget, but for you, I knew I had to or else I would have nothing.

I guess sometimes karma comes back to kick you in the face. I used to laugh at the guy pining over the girl for 3 years without taking action.

Well, that was before I discovered that I still loved you, and had always loved you - for the better part of about 8 years.

Boy, am I looking stupid now.

Eight years. That's crazy. You read about it in books, but you don't really think that it can be true. That you can really feel something so strong, so vibrant, so vital that keeps itself alive somehow for this long.

I guess this is what happens when you read too many fairy tales...

This must be, the ten billionth thing I've written today? Once you open up those gates, it's pretty damn hard to close them again. Plus, it's remarkably therapeutic. Not quite as good as torturing and exhausting myself physically, but I've always liked to write and I guess this is as good an outlet as any.

You know, back when we were in college, every other story I wrote in ESL was about you. I had about a page to fill, and in that page I'd write anything and everything I could imagine - ridiculously dramatisized, of course - but who's to say our lives are any less dramatic now?

I remember one story I wrote... now that was inspired. It was beautiful, it was heart wrenching and most of all, it was tragic. But at some point it got lost... I'll rewrite that story one day, one before, and one after. I hope the ending will be better.

I think Kelly has read the original story, but I doubt she remembers it. I really should buy her something nice one day. After all, she had to put up with ME every day. I can imagine her now. She would have taken one look at it, understood it, looked at me and smiled wistfully while shaking her head knowingly. That kid is wise waaay beyond her years. And in some ways still only a beautiful child.

Well, she's all grown up now I guess, as is every one. I hope she knows how fond of her I am, and how much I think of her as the little sister I never had. God knows she probably took care of me more than I did for her. Let's face it, I'm a disaster. Haha. I only hope one day I'll be able to be there for her the way she's always been for me.

I wonder how she's doing these days. I just don't hear from her when the school year is on.

I wonder, if I told her everything that has happened these past few months... Would she just look at me, sigh, and smile with that knowing shake of her head? My bet is on yes.

So much for the mature thing, looks like I'm just as much the hung up kid I was yesterday.

I really could have sworn I'd grown up, though.

I guess, as always, I was wrong.

:)

And it continues... I thought it was bad when I was watching Ed, but this girl reminds me so much of you in every way that it's torture to sit through it.

I have, however, sat through about an hour and a half of it tonight.

Strength, beyond strength.

I've always been strong, but I'll really need it tonight.

Let me clarify that last remark slightly. Initially it was just because she reminds me so much of you, and like I said, I'm that bleeding heart you see on TV. But it gets better. I'm watching the first season, and there is so much in the music that comes back to haunt me. Music gets to me better than anything... A song sparks a reminder of a day, an age, a memory. I had one song for Michelle, but for you - every song is your song. These songs span the years that I loved you and bled for you. Every song I hear is part of the soundtrack to my life... And every one of those songs is yours. I hear it as I walk alone in the streets at night with only the moonlight as my guide, I hear it as I close my eyes to sleep and as I wake. I hear it when I hold her in my arms... As I held you.

The soundtrack hurts... But it follows me with every weary step I take. I cannot leave it behind - I don't want to - I cannot deny it.

I am eternally yours, and eternally, that guy.

PS - I hate Smallville.

No word for more than a month now. The worst part about it is that nothing has changed, at least for me. I push it away, but it's always just beneath the surface, and it doesn't take a whole helluva lot to bring it back. Everything I see and everything I do reminds me of you, reminds me of how things could have, would have, should have been. But in the end, it never really got to be anything, did it. I struggle to tell myself that it's not without meaning, that it wasn't just some cosmic fuck up that slipped through the cracks. But at this point, it's hard to believe that, given the circumstances and how things have worked out.

I really want to talk to you... But I don't think I can. I know you'll be fine, you always are :) I guess it's better than the both of us. At some point I guess I'll just have to make an uneasy sort of peace with it by myself.

Bye.