I realise that organizing my thoughts out here is something I've missed doing. Even if you never read this space again, in my head I can feel like I'm sharing my thoughts, my hopes, my disasters, all of this, with you. And this is what I've always loved doing.

I remember that time that we fought. We didn't speak for a few months. It killed me inside, and I realised that, love it or hate it, I could never live without you. Very few things are able to make someone like me put aside my pride - but you did. I never forgive, and I never forget, but for you, I knew I had to or else I would have nothing.

I guess sometimes karma comes back to kick you in the face. I used to laugh at the guy pining over the girl for 3 years without taking action.

Well, that was before I discovered that I still loved you, and had always loved you - for the better part of about 8 years.

Boy, am I looking stupid now.

Eight years. That's crazy. You read about it in books, but you don't really think that it can be true. That you can really feel something so strong, so vibrant, so vital that keeps itself alive somehow for this long.

I guess this is what happens when you read too many fairy tales...

This must be, the ten billionth thing I've written today? Once you open up those gates, it's pretty damn hard to close them again. Plus, it's remarkably therapeutic. Not quite as good as torturing and exhausting myself physically, but I've always liked to write and I guess this is as good an outlet as any.

You know, back when we were in college, every other story I wrote in ESL was about you. I had about a page to fill, and in that page I'd write anything and everything I could imagine - ridiculously dramatisized, of course - but who's to say our lives are any less dramatic now?

I remember one story I wrote... now that was inspired. It was beautiful, it was heart wrenching and most of all, it was tragic. But at some point it got lost... I'll rewrite that story one day, one before, and one after. I hope the ending will be better.

I think Kelly has read the original story, but I doubt she remembers it. I really should buy her something nice one day. After all, she had to put up with ME every day. I can imagine her now. She would have taken one look at it, understood it, looked at me and smiled wistfully while shaking her head knowingly. That kid is wise waaay beyond her years. And in some ways still only a beautiful child.

Well, she's all grown up now I guess, as is every one. I hope she knows how fond of her I am, and how much I think of her as the little sister I never had. God knows she probably took care of me more than I did for her. Let's face it, I'm a disaster. Haha. I only hope one day I'll be able to be there for her the way she's always been for me.

I wonder how she's doing these days. I just don't hear from her when the school year is on.

I wonder, if I told her everything that has happened these past few months... Would she just look at me, sigh, and smile with that knowing shake of her head? My bet is on yes.

So much for the mature thing, looks like I'm just as much the hung up kid I was yesterday.

I really could have sworn I'd grown up, though.

I guess, as always, I was wrong.

:)