I guess you're not looking here any more. I've been waiting, but somewhere along the line I guess I didn't really want to face the truth. I guess, you've gone back to your life. It really was just a dream, then.
I'm not sure what I really expected. Things are never that easy. Plus, when it's already going like a bad romance novel, you don't really expect things to change so easily, do you?
When I'm alone, walking aimlessly, that's the time I allow myself to think about you.
I listen to the songs I gave to you, the songs I wrote about you.
I guess that's all it will ever be. Things I turn over and over in my head when there's no one else around, and I allow myself the memories.
I like to listen to our songs after my workouts. I sit alone on the grass, and I guess, in the heat of the sunny afternoon, the fatigue takes the edge off the loneliness, and the ache takes the edge off the pain...
I guess what I'm saying is - I don't blame you if you've forgotten, and if you're happy. I just wish, I wish I wish I wish, that it could include me.
Guess not.
Forever
and ever
babe.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
It's late...
Scene 1
You say you love me
And I hardly know your name
And if I say I love you in the candle light
There's no-one but myself to blame
But there's something inside
That's turning my mind away
Oh how I could love you
If I could let you stay
It's late - and I'm bleeding inside
It's late - is it just my sickly pride
Too late - even now the feeling seems to slip away
So late - though I'm crying I can't help but hear you say
It's late It's late It's late
But not too late
Scene 2
The way you love me
Is the sweetest love around
But after all this time
The more I'm trying
The more I seem to seem I let you down
Now you're tell me you're leaving
And I just can't believe that it's true
Oh you know that I can love you
Though you know I can't be true
Oh you made me love you
Don't tell me that we're through
It's late - and it's driving me so mad
It's late - but don't try to tell me that it's
Too late - save our love you can't turn out the light
So late - I've been wrong but I'll learn to be right
It's late It's late It's late
But not too late
Scene 3
You're staring at me
With suspiction in your eye
You say what game are you playing?
What's this that you're saying?
I know that I can give no reply
If I take you tonight
Is it making my life a lie?
Oh you make me wonder
Did I live my life alright
It's late - but it's time to set me free
It's late - but there's no way it has to be
Too late - so let the fire take our bodies this night
So late - so let the waters take our guilt in the tide
It's late it's late it's late it's late
It's all too late
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
The dream is over
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you every step of the way. I did.
You said that things would change when I stepped off that plane... They did.
Now I'm with her again. I hold her tight in the darkness, as she clings to me, she's missed me so.
But is it wrong that I think of you when she's in my arms...
Tell me how it is
that you can sleep
in the night
without thinking you lost
everything that was good
in your life
to the toss of a dice...
I still can't stop thinking of you. Every chance I get, I steal a quick glance at the memories we have made in that short time. I cannot allow myself too long, though - I fear that overuse will render those sweet memories dull, and faded. I don't think I could bear to let that happen.
I should never be allowed to have something this beautiful. Knowing me, I'd probably break it, or lose it. Probably both.
You, my love, on the other hand, would probably walk with it straight into a wall. Heh heh.
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.
I've only just got here, but I'm already counting the days till I can get back to you.
By now you must be wondering... what will happen to her? Surely I haven't forgotten.
I will stay with her as long as I can this year. I know it's probably morally questionable, but I will not be responsible for ruining any more of her life than I can. I say this not out of any sense of ego but rather.. responsibility? God, what happened to me. Haha.
But yeah. I want to see her through the year, if possible. The academic term is just starting, something like this could never be good for her. I guess this counts for as long as I can take the charade. You never know.. if it must be done, I guess it must be done. But I'd much prefer to see her well and happily passing the 3rd year of her degree before I mess with anything. Next year, she only has a paper or two before uni is over. Much less to worry about.
If you're going to start admonishing me about how I actually do love her... well, I do. But its. not. the. same. anymore. I think the most extreme way I could put it at the moment is that I care for her deeply. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her, but ironically if anything does, I will most likely be the cause of it.
Again I am afraid of how things will pan out this year. I fear that I will come home to a starkly different environment from the one I just left. I fear that I may find you, happier than ever before... without me.
But that's beside the point. There's nothing I can do about it now. My brain has clearly stopped working, and we all know what a disaster that has been in the past. Haha. Well I think I'm at least a bit smarter about it this time. Or something.
I'll be back. That bouquet of flowers, that walk through the fields of dandelions... who knows? Perfection may still be within our grasp?
...I should really go now. Today is enrolment day. I'm still not sure what I'm doing here. :P
Forever and ever, babe. Forever and ever.
You said that things would change when I stepped off that plane... They did.
Now I'm with her again. I hold her tight in the darkness, as she clings to me, she's missed me so.
But is it wrong that I think of you when she's in my arms...
Tell me how it is
that you can sleep
in the night
without thinking you lost
everything that was good
in your life
to the toss of a dice...
I still can't stop thinking of you. Every chance I get, I steal a quick glance at the memories we have made in that short time. I cannot allow myself too long, though - I fear that overuse will render those sweet memories dull, and faded. I don't think I could bear to let that happen.
I should never be allowed to have something this beautiful. Knowing me, I'd probably break it, or lose it. Probably both.
You, my love, on the other hand, would probably walk with it straight into a wall. Heh heh.
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.
I've only just got here, but I'm already counting the days till I can get back to you.
By now you must be wondering... what will happen to her? Surely I haven't forgotten.
I will stay with her as long as I can this year. I know it's probably morally questionable, but I will not be responsible for ruining any more of her life than I can. I say this not out of any sense of ego but rather.. responsibility? God, what happened to me. Haha.
But yeah. I want to see her through the year, if possible. The academic term is just starting, something like this could never be good for her. I guess this counts for as long as I can take the charade. You never know.. if it must be done, I guess it must be done. But I'd much prefer to see her well and happily passing the 3rd year of her degree before I mess with anything. Next year, she only has a paper or two before uni is over. Much less to worry about.
If you're going to start admonishing me about how I actually do love her... well, I do. But its. not. the. same. anymore. I think the most extreme way I could put it at the moment is that I care for her deeply. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her, but ironically if anything does, I will most likely be the cause of it.
Again I am afraid of how things will pan out this year. I fear that I will come home to a starkly different environment from the one I just left. I fear that I may find you, happier than ever before... without me.
But that's beside the point. There's nothing I can do about it now. My brain has clearly stopped working, and we all know what a disaster that has been in the past. Haha. Well I think I'm at least a bit smarter about it this time. Or something.
I'll be back. That bouquet of flowers, that walk through the fields of dandelions... who knows? Perfection may still be within our grasp?
...I should really go now. Today is enrolment day. I'm still not sure what I'm doing here. :P
Forever and ever, babe. Forever and ever.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Trace the moment, fall forever
In the car..
We talk about life, and love, and things that could have been. I tell her that in the end, I'm just afraid that if I think about her too much, things will go back to the way they used to be, bad. My emotions pour out slowly, hesitantly... things that have been locked away so tight are hard to unearth at a moment's notice.
She begins to cry, silently. Her crystal tears fall softly down her cheek, and they sparkle, in the moonlight. She turns her face away. It seems like a silent eternity in choices at that moment, and in an instant I know that I have made mine, as I reach over to her and gently brush away the tears.
We talk.
Everything that went wrong, and everything that could have been so right. The tears begin to come again, and I can see that they are shaped by regret, remorse, and the touch of new feelings dawning deep within, feelings she never even thought possible.
Again, I brush the tears from her cheek. She's beautiful as ever in this moment. I reach for her, bring her close to me, running my hands through her long, sweet smelling hair. I kiss her hair softly as I whisper to her, and the tears begin to stop. I stare deep into those eyes, those eyes that I have loved for so long, while I brush her hair back from over her face, and over her ears.
We talk.
I know it's wrong but she's in my arms oh god I've longed for this moment all my life it would seem and she can feel my heart my heart beating like a runaway train in my chest and she lays a tiny hand on my heart and I feel like everything is right about this moment and if I could stretch it into eternity I would I would do anything to stay like this like this like this...
Her phone rings.
I brace myself for the hard slap back to reality, the one where she starts, frightened at this sign of the real world waiting outside, and hurries off into the night, leaving me dazed and confused pondering this wonderful mistake.
It never comes.
She answers it, and settles comfortably back into my arms. I can feel her, a comfortable weight in my arms. For this time we are lovers, two sleepy people by dawn's early light... but too much in love to say good night. We hold hands like kids, innocent, pure, beautiful, and in this moment I feel a sense of completion that I've never felt before.
There are times when we come close, and the sensation of desperate longing of my lips for her lips is like sheer electricity in the air. With her last shred of restraint she says no, no. If we do, everything is gone.
I wish. With every beat of my heart I wish this could be so.
And yet we both know that eventually it must be over.
The real world is waiting.
I hold her fiercely to me, one last grasp at the happiness I may never have again, desperate, passionate, hopeless. I smell her scent one last time, breath it, taste it, as I whisper for her to go, go or I may never let you go.
Already, the emptiness begins.
We talk about life, and love, and things that could have been. I tell her that in the end, I'm just afraid that if I think about her too much, things will go back to the way they used to be, bad. My emotions pour out slowly, hesitantly... things that have been locked away so tight are hard to unearth at a moment's notice.
She begins to cry, silently. Her crystal tears fall softly down her cheek, and they sparkle, in the moonlight. She turns her face away. It seems like a silent eternity in choices at that moment, and in an instant I know that I have made mine, as I reach over to her and gently brush away the tears.
We talk.
Everything that went wrong, and everything that could have been so right. The tears begin to come again, and I can see that they are shaped by regret, remorse, and the touch of new feelings dawning deep within, feelings she never even thought possible.
Again, I brush the tears from her cheek. She's beautiful as ever in this moment. I reach for her, bring her close to me, running my hands through her long, sweet smelling hair. I kiss her hair softly as I whisper to her, and the tears begin to stop. I stare deep into those eyes, those eyes that I have loved for so long, while I brush her hair back from over her face, and over her ears.
We talk.
I know it's wrong but she's in my arms oh god I've longed for this moment all my life it would seem and she can feel my heart my heart beating like a runaway train in my chest and she lays a tiny hand on my heart and I feel like everything is right about this moment and if I could stretch it into eternity I would I would do anything to stay like this like this like this...
Her phone rings.
I brace myself for the hard slap back to reality, the one where she starts, frightened at this sign of the real world waiting outside, and hurries off into the night, leaving me dazed and confused pondering this wonderful mistake.
It never comes.
She answers it, and settles comfortably back into my arms. I can feel her, a comfortable weight in my arms. For this time we are lovers, two sleepy people by dawn's early light... but too much in love to say good night. We hold hands like kids, innocent, pure, beautiful, and in this moment I feel a sense of completion that I've never felt before.
There are times when we come close, and the sensation of desperate longing of my lips for her lips is like sheer electricity in the air. With her last shred of restraint she says no, no. If we do, everything is gone.
I wish. With every beat of my heart I wish this could be so.
And yet we both know that eventually it must be over.
The real world is waiting.
I hold her fiercely to me, one last grasp at the happiness I may never have again, desperate, passionate, hopeless. I smell her scent one last time, breath it, taste it, as I whisper for her to go, go or I may never let you go.
Already, the emptiness begins.
Don't be that guy, Bob...
So we went out that night. Picked her up from her house. She looks gorgeous as per usual. Sigh.
Went to some place for a drink or two. Just chatting. Eventually though, she brings up the CD, and asks me... so how does it end?
In typical fashion I refuse to give a straight answer, dance around the question for abit. Tell her to go home and listen to it again and she'll get it. Tralalala I'm pretending to watch football. I hate football.
She says no. Haha. I love her because she's strong.
Okay... compromise. We'll go back to her place, she'll run in, listen to it again, run out and tell me she gets it. Yeah?
Apparently not... we reach her place but she refuses to move till I make some sort of explanation. Pops her seatbelt off, gets comfy in the seat, folds her arms, and waits.
Haha... god she's cute. Uh oh.
Went to some place for a drink or two. Just chatting. Eventually though, she brings up the CD, and asks me... so how does it end?
In typical fashion I refuse to give a straight answer, dance around the question for abit. Tell her to go home and listen to it again and she'll get it. Tralalala I'm pretending to watch football. I hate football.
She says no. Haha. I love her because she's strong.
Okay... compromise. We'll go back to her place, she'll run in, listen to it again, run out and tell me she gets it. Yeah?
Apparently not... we reach her place but she refuses to move till I make some sort of explanation. Pops her seatbelt off, gets comfy in the seat, folds her arms, and waits.
Haha... god she's cute. Uh oh.
What it takes
Oh hoho... I'm back, so you've gotta know that I'm FUCKED.
Even more so than ever before, and I've been screwed up before.
So let's see... a little background. We've been talking more I guess lately, and it's been great. We always seem to miss each other though - she's only around on weekends, and when I'm out, she's in, and when I'm bored at home she's out with her friends.
Anyways... So there was this song I wrote for her, ages ago. I've been rerecording my old stuff, using drum samples and whatnot to make them into real live songs. One day I mentioned this song to her, and she insisted that she wanted to hear it when I was done.
Well, okay then.
Problem: I had forgotten most of the lyrics years ago (she has the only copy of the lyrics... another story for another time), plus they were soppy and gay as hell anyway.
Big deal, I'll just rewrite them!
I did, and I finished the song.
I hit up on the brilliant idea of making her the proverbial "mix-tape". You know, the ones people painstakingly record on cassettes, with all the songs for the person they... wait a minute, I have a girlfriend, right? Well let's forget about that for a moment.
Okay. Mix-tape. More like a Mix-CD, but where's the fun in calling it that?
I made a tape that catalogues the way I felt for her over the years. As you may imagine, the first part is what all lovers dream of while they pine away at their windows... Euphoric, in love, basically all that dancing on sunshine crap. Predictably, the mood takes a dramatic dip towards the middle - hey I spent years being fucked up over this! I'm allowed.
The ending... Well the ending is kinda vague.
Which reminds me! I forgot to tell her that the last song on the CD was her song - and she refused to believe it was me! Damn, I'm good. Haha.
Anyways... This is the last weekend before I'm due to leave again for a year... We were supposed to see each other that morning if possible. But obviously, haha, I rang and she never woke up. Sometimes it's annoying being the only sub-20 person who wakes up before noon...
So later in the day I dropped by her house to give it to her, but she was out anyway. So I popped it in the mailbox.
Later that evening she messages me and says... she wants to meet up at night.
Okay. Go read the next one.
Even more so than ever before, and I've been screwed up before.
So let's see... a little background. We've been talking more I guess lately, and it's been great. We always seem to miss each other though - she's only around on weekends, and when I'm out, she's in, and when I'm bored at home she's out with her friends.
Anyways... So there was this song I wrote for her, ages ago. I've been rerecording my old stuff, using drum samples and whatnot to make them into real live songs. One day I mentioned this song to her, and she insisted that she wanted to hear it when I was done.
Well, okay then.
Problem: I had forgotten most of the lyrics years ago (she has the only copy of the lyrics... another story for another time), plus they were soppy and gay as hell anyway.
Big deal, I'll just rewrite them!
I did, and I finished the song.
I hit up on the brilliant idea of making her the proverbial "mix-tape". You know, the ones people painstakingly record on cassettes, with all the songs for the person they... wait a minute, I have a girlfriend, right? Well let's forget about that for a moment.
Okay. Mix-tape. More like a Mix-CD, but where's the fun in calling it that?
I made a tape that catalogues the way I felt for her over the years. As you may imagine, the first part is what all lovers dream of while they pine away at their windows... Euphoric, in love, basically all that dancing on sunshine crap. Predictably, the mood takes a dramatic dip towards the middle - hey I spent years being fucked up over this! I'm allowed.
The ending... Well the ending is kinda vague.
Which reminds me! I forgot to tell her that the last song on the CD was her song - and she refused to believe it was me! Damn, I'm good. Haha.
Anyways... This is the last weekend before I'm due to leave again for a year... We were supposed to see each other that morning if possible. But obviously, haha, I rang and she never woke up. Sometimes it's annoying being the only sub-20 person who wakes up before noon...
So later in the day I dropped by her house to give it to her, but she was out anyway. So I popped it in the mailbox.
Later that evening she messages me and says... she wants to meet up at night.
Okay. Go read the next one.
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