Yeah I guess I did know why you did that. I always thought it could be one of two things. You didn't feel the same, or you weren't ready for that kind of thing then. It is much easier to convince myself that it was that second one, can you blame me? I guess it was just that I figured if I waited around long enough, you'd be ready... little did I know that I was right, but it just wasn't me that you were looking for.

And of course these days I don't really know what to think. In some way I feel so much happier now, and yet the way things are, it's so much more cruel and ironic as well. But oh well, you know me, I'm a sucker for contradictions. :P I'm pretty much a walking contradiction myself. :D

I think I'm taking the weekend off. For once I don't have any immediately vital assessments to handle, and plus I got my electronics test mark yesterday and I totally killed it :P Which was quite a pleasant surprise since I hate electronics. Hate it so much. Like I've told everyone (loudly, and repeatedly), if I liked electronics then I'd be an electrical engineer then wouldn't I? Doh. But it was good, and that's good :P

What about you? You have this whole life that's separate from me now, and I realise I don't know that much about it... partially because I didn't want to know, I guess. It hurted to know. It hurted to think about knowing. I guess it still does, sometimes.

But when I think about what you said about the friendship thing... I don't think that can ever change, I'll always want you in my life. I'll always need you in my life. My problem is that it's hard for me to be with you, and not want to... be with you. But I can't... be without you, either.

But please don't ever doubt that I'll stop loving you, whether it's from right up beside you as I watch the sunrise wash over you as the morning sets in and I run my hands gently through your silky smooth hair... or from the other side of the glass, hurting from a distance... It's just that, if I'm going to be forced to be that guy for the rest of my life, whether it's on the outside where people can see it, or just inside in my heart - I'm not going to let go without a fight.

Talk to me, babe. It's all I live for these days.

I dreamed about you again last night. As with most of my dreams I remember hardly any of it. Crossing the line between sleep and waking usually only leaves me with a fast fading daze of colours, feelings, a wash of emotions that I can't shake but can't quite remember the reason for.

It's not a very nice feeling. As the lights turned on in my head this morning I woke up to that emptiness, that sense of irreconciliable loss that I feel every time I remember. It's like a deep, dark depth that I cannot see into to decide whether it was real, or just a dream...

I still don't know, really. I think it was bad though, this time. It's not something that's too great to wake up to. Which is why I'm going to fix that :P

I will, just you wait.

Oh, and you know what I mean. :P We've gone through so many years pretending you don't know what I mean... but, hey - you can't do that any more! :P Finally! Haha.

Well... I'm curious to hear what you think of it. I don't do everything for you, you know.

Some things I do out of musical curiosity and you. :P Haha.

I could go on about how cool I am for making a Spice Girls song so. much. better. but I figure that can be your job. But I actually really like that song now! It can be so much better than a cheesy radio pop song. Plus, did you ever realise how diiirty it really is? :D It's great! Haha. I think there's still another possible version for that song... Maybe the next time I'm "studying" for a test :P

Okay, I gotta go to uni now, gah. Test AGAIN this week. Story of my life. Life is gay. Poetic, I know.

I didn't manage to catch you online last weekend, which was a bit gay too, but oh well. I figure the silly Spice Girls song will spark large amounts of follow up in the form of you making fun of me and various other conversations resulting, so that works for me.

Laters ;)

Yawn... You've got mail.

Did I really grow up? :P I can never decide.

When did you read that story? I don't remember letting you read it. God I must not have been a very subtle kid :p Ahh, if one knew then the things they knew now...

By the way, it's nice not to just be talking to myself again. :)